We receive so many emails from customers looking for advice. We’ll share some of these questions with you (anonymously, of course), as we know there will be so many more readers who will benefit from the answers and know that they are not alone. Below is an email from a male customer looking for advice on rekindling intimacy after his wife’s hysterectomy.
Hi, I saw Ky’s interview on This Morning. I have been married for several years. My wife suffered from endometriosis and had to have a hysterectomy. Ever since our sex life has been dead. I’ve spoken about it and tried buying underwear and toys, but my wife has totally lost her desire for sex or sexual foreplay. On the rare occasions we try, it is near on impossible to make her climax. This never used to be the case. I don’t know if it’s the various drugs she takes, or that her body has changed, or me. I would be very grateful if you could offer any advice or help to turn this issue around.
Lack of desire and sexual intimacy
Hello there, many thanks for contacting us. We are so sorry to hear about the issues in your intimate life with your wife. Several things are going on here, and we’ll talk about each in turn.
Your wife’s hysterectomy has catapulted her into early menopause, which brings on its own set of issues, including a lack of desire for sex. Here are two links that will help you understand what is going on for her:
As you’ll see, the issues are unlikely to be your doing if your relationship is otherwise good. Her body has changed, and how she feels about it has probably changed too. Medication is likely playing a role in your wife’s lost libido. One idea is for your wife to speak to her GP about this. There may be better options that cause fewer side effects.
Understandably, your wife might not want sex if penetration is painful or uncomfortable for her. If this is the case (highly likely), this also needs to be looked into. The vagina becomes drier, narrower, and more brittle during menopause and many women find sex painful. For rekindling intimacy, it’s crucial to find erotic activities that won’t cause her pain.
Products to help rekindle intimacy
Below is a list of products that could be helpful. It’s important that your wife feels interested in looking at the list – if her curiosity isn’t piqued, she won’t enjoy playing with the toys. If she isn’t ready, leave it for a while and revisit the idea when she’s more receptive.
- Lube is essential for great sex, especially when experiencing vaginal pain. Pure Plus lube is extra-thick and creates a layer of “padding” between the delicate vaginal membranes and fingers or penis.
- Enhancing gels helps increase blood flow to the clitoris or G-spot, depending on which gel is used. This, in turn, helps with arousal and wetness. A small amount of one of these trial-size sachets is enough to help kickstart the clitoris or G-spot into excitement.
- Wand massagers are excellent toys for women who are struggling with their libido. This type of toy is not for internal use but can be used all over the body. Holding it around the vulva can work wonders. The deep vibrations stimulate both external and internal parts of the clitoris, which doubles the chances of it responding.
- Tenga Eggs are our most popular toys for men. Inside is a small textured cup that goes over the penis for masturbation. Many couples use these when one partner isn’t in the mood for penetration but is still happy to play. Tenga Eggs are fun and easy to use. Plus, you’ll get to enjoy the sensations of penetration without a vagina being involved!
Removing pressure and enjoying intimate play
Have you tried playing just for the fun of it, without the expectation of it leading to penetration or her climaxing from it? If she feels that you expect her to climax, an orgasm is unlikely to burst forth. The female body can enter performance anxiety mode, just like the male body. Removing the pressure and just playing because you both enjoy the sensations can work wonders.
Rekindling intimacy doesn’t have to involve penetration. We are conditioned to think of sex as penis-in-vagina, but actually, sex and pleasure are so much more. It can be kissing, and touching, and caressing and playing in all manner of ways that you both like. What would you like to do? What would she like to do? Now is the time to rethink intimacy and what it means for you both.
Does your wife enjoy masturbation? Our course Becoming Orgasmic can help fire up a low libido. It would be useful for you both, but especially for your wife. The course suggests new things to try, and there is fun homework between each session. We have another course that might be suitable for you to do as a couple. This course is called Light My Fire and aims to help reignite the passion. Again, please make sure to have a conversation with her before buying a course.
Rebuilding desire and intimate connection
Starting the conversation is hard, but our suggestion is to do it during other activities like walking, side by side. It gives it a more relaxed feel, and you can avoid direct eye contact if it feels tricky and overwhelming. You can just walk and talk. It will probably be that you have to start, and she might need some time to think about it and gather her thoughts, but it’s the first step. You could suggest a weekly date, for example. It doesn’t have to be too daunting; go slow and take the pressure off both of you. Just enjoy spending time together. Rekindling desire and intimacy takes time but is worth the effort. We wish you both all the best.
Love, Team Sh! xx
We give tailored advice on every aspect of female sexuality – just email us email@example.com and we’ll do our best to help. Please bear with us – we’re a small team, but we’ll get back to you as soon as we can xx